Grief | The Life of K: Grief

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Grief

I've had this post in my draft folder for a while, waiting to be finished. I'm not sure I've said everything I want to say, but now is as good a time as any to hit the publish button.

When I found out that my old friend LS lost her battle with cancer, I had thoughts and emotions swirling around my brain. Now that I've had some time to think about it all and I've realized some things.

I was able to go to LS's wake and funeral because J came home and watched the kids. I spent the wake talking to the few people I knew and feeling quite out of place and awkward. I felt like I was intruding. I left part way through the funeral because, by that point, I felt like an imposter.

I'm lucky that I haven't experienced much loss. The one that hurt the most was actually our cat we lost about 3 years ago now. That was the first and only time that I was unapologetically sad. Even then I felt bad for feeling bad because he was more J's cat than mine.

There's something about being sad in front of other people that makes me very self conscious. Like I have to be able to explain why I'm sad, or validate the extent of my sadness.

Any time a thought of my old friend came into my mind, I shook my head and berated myself. I hadn't spoken to her in months, hadn't seen her in years, hadn't been close with her for years and years.

Then a friend asked me how I was. I was sad. I am sad.

She was one of my best friends for 5 years. We grew apart like people do. We went to different schools, we made new friends and did different things. No matter what we did or didn't do, we still shared that friendship. That matters. And it's okay that I'm sad.

I don't know that I will ever be comfortable crying in front of people, that I will ever feel like I deserve to be upset. And I'm pretty sure I will want to escape whatever funerals I attend like I did this time. I will go cry in the car, all by myself, and process my emotions the only way I know how.

RIP Lindsay.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if anyone truly knows how to cope with sadness ... if one did, would they even BE sad? That said, I'm glad you allowed yourself to at least be sad in this blog post.

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