Feeling needed | The Life of K: Feeling needed

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Feeling needed

Late Saturday afternoon I went out. By myself. For over an hour. I think it was the longest I've been away from Baby K. It felt great.

I've been feeling rather tied down lately. I get jealous of J for going to work every day. I get jealous when I read about people going out for dinner or on vacation. I get jealous of people who can stay up late and sleep in.

J and I joke that Baby K is my tether, but it's true. She is exclusively breastfed and young enough still to not be on a reliable schedule. The times I have left her she's cried and cried. I hate asking for favours and hate imposing on people and to ask anyone, even J, to deal with my screaming baby just so I can go somewhere, is too much.

Being needed like that is nice and natural and really what being a mother to an infant is all about, but it's tiring and overwhelming and never ending and it can get very lonely.

When I went out this time, I left right after feeding Baby K, mostly confident that she wouldn't be hungry for a few hours and fully confident that J could parent her and Little J no problem. He is an awesome dad after all.

I got home and came inside and just listened, waiting to hear the cries of my littlest. All I could hear was the tv. She was fine.

When Little J heard me upstairs he ran to the stairs and yelled MAMA COME! I asked him if he wanted me to come downstairs and he said yes. Apparently for most of the time I was gone, he was asking where I was. J told him hundreds of times that I'd be back soon. He repeated MAMA COME all during dinner even though I was right there.

Being needed like that, by my independent and head strong toddler, one who doesn't need me specifically for anything, is lovely. It feels so good knowing that he likes me and misses me when I'm gone. It makes me think that he likes being home with me instead of being at daycare. It makes me believe I'm doing a good job.

It isn't the same as being needed by my baby, who really does need me to survive at this point. It's a nice, loving, you're-my-mom-and-I-like-you kind of needing.

Just like when Little J cries when he gets scared, this reminds me that he's just little and sometimes he needs his mom. And being able to go out by myself without Baby K crying the whole time makes me think that my days of being tied to the small child all day every day are numbered. I got a taste of freedom and am looking forward to more.

1 comment:

  1. So recognizable. You are a great mom and you are doing an amazing job K! Let me know if you want to get together sometime. A and I will be leaving on our trip next week and I would love to see you before then.