Grass is Greener | The Life of K: Grass is Greener

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Grass is Greener

I had a big post all drafted, some on this blog and some still in my head, but I need to go in a different direction. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I have and what I want, where I am and where I want to be. There's a huge disconnect and thinking about it, it's been there since my life slowed down significantly after high school. Let me explain.

Growing up I was always busy. I went to school like everybody else, I got decent grades and did all sorts of extras. I also played competitive sports year-round and had friends I couldn't not see almost every day. High school got a little crazier because the pressure to get into a good university was always there and the opportunity to get a free ride to a US school on a sports scholarship seemed achievable. Throw in an active social life and working to save money and my dad's favourite way of describing me was that I was "burning the candle at both ends".

Being that busy, I did what I had to do. My life was scheduled down to the minute some days, I hardly had time to think. I didn't go to the states on scholarship but I did get into a great university. I got mono and didn't make the hockey team. I went from go-go-go to not.

I missed what I had - I missed my friends and my sports and my family. I started associating home with the things I wanted and school with the things I had to get through. Meeting J, who lived in my home town, only solidified these feelings. I spent my 4 years of school wanting to be in another city.

I felt better after moving back home and moving in with J, but not for long. Our house was a temporary one, my jobs were always temporary and I was struggling to find sports teams and friends that met my expectations. We got married and kept upgrading our lives. We got a nice car and our very own house, we both secured well-paying jobs, I found a great group of girls to play baseball with and an okay hockey league, our group of friends got bigger. Now we're in even better shape and have Baby J on top of it all.

On the outside, I'm sure it seems like we have it all. Why then, am I restless? Why am I always looking for the next thing? After thinking about this for the past week, I really think it's because I'm not busy and I have time to think. I have time to think about what I want and why what I have now isn't enough. I'm constantly thinking about what I could be doing at home when I'm work, what I'll be doing when I'm on leave instead of working, the sports I can't play now because I'm pregnant or the clothes I can't buy because my body is changing. I think about the things wrong with our house or car. I think about the things I want to try or do or buy but for some reason can't or won't.

Lately, I've been trying to do things for myself. Trying to get enough sleep and eat well so that my body is happy and doing yoga and practicing my breathing. I'm trying to make our house work better for us and appreciate the little moments that happen every day even if I'm sitting in traffic - the last place I want to be. I try to enjoy reading the same book to Baby J for the 88th time and making him giggle by chasing him around the family room.

I'm trying to fully take advantage of every moment, to do well at whatever I'm doing wherever I am in the hopes that this will make me less restless, that I will enjoy my life more.

Speaking of life, Baby J is awake and I'm about to switch from watching tv to parenting. One of the many switches I will do today.

This is an on going process and possibly a never ending one. I just hope that I can be more content with what I have. More thankful and at peace.

2 comments:

  1. i hope you find that balance and keep enjoying life even though it's hard sometimes to quiet the mind. this is a great post...so honest! and i totally identify.

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  2. I think it's human nature to want more, and it's so difficult to just be truly thankful for everything we have and to not want anything. Really aslong as we have what we need we should be good. I think we all feel like you're feeling at times.

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